un deux trois

un altro viaggio mi aspetta. con nuovi compagni. con nuove avventure.

servono vaccini. speriamo solo vaccini reali, che la vita mi ha vaccinata abbastanza. è tempo di re-imparare a sognare, a ridere, a sfiorare e lasciarsi sfiorare. é tempo di smettere di fissare quell'orologio o controllare quelle e-mail. è tempo di chiuderli gli occhi e riaprirli solo quando la natura si staglia davanti a me.

è tempo di controllarsi, di fermarsi e chiedersi perchè, di sorridere, ma soprattutto ridere con un riso che sale su dalla pancia.

é tempo di smettere di googlare le persone, di sperare che forse. la risposta è no. ancora una volta. di nuovo. e allora perchè continuare a porsela.

è tempo di tirare queste somme, di chiedersi se ne voglio di piccole creature come quelle oggi sul bus, così dolci.

un deux trois

com-promise

I do not know. some confused thoughts.

talking to friends, it was said that if you never settle somewhere it is hard to find someone. i look at people around me. most of them are in a couple. but I also think that a good percentage are just in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. and this is something I do not understand (most of the times at least). Yes, I travel alone. I take planes, trains, taxis. Yes, sometimes I have to go to the cinema on my own if I really wanna watch a movie. Yes, I have most of my meals alone. Yes, on Saturday mornings I am one of the few singles around for the shopping days (most singles are not early-wakers).

And it is not like I always love this. But it is just the way it is. And in turn I have many other things. I am leaving 3 weeks for Japan and I do not have to discuss this with anyone.

And to celebrate one of the biggest day of my life I have my family and hopefully a bunch of very good friends. And it sounds good.

It is a period of changes, so I decided to add one more. this kind of change. shorter hair. after kind of 5 years with the same cut it was time. still have to get used to it, but it feels freshly new. and thsi is good.

Carrie: The longer I sat at that table, the more alone I felt. And it really hit me: I am 35 and alone!
Miranda: You are not alone.
Carrie: No, I know I have you guys, but... and really, I hate myself a little for saying this, but... it felt really sad not to have a man in my life who cares about me. No special guy to wish me happy birthday. No goddamn soulmate. And I don't even know if I believe in soulmates.
Charlotte: Don't laugh at me, but maybe we could be each others soulmates? And then we could let men be just these great nice guys to have fun with?
Samantha: Well, that sounds like a plan.
Carrie: I'm 35. 35 is not 25.
Miranda: Thank God!
Carrie: I'm 35!
Samantha: Oh, shut the f*** up. I'm 140!

enviOs

Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend.
- Albert Camus

Envy is best defined as an emotion that occurs when a person lacks another's (perceived) superior quality, achievement, or possession and either desires it or wishes that the other lacked it. (accent on perceived)
Envy can also derive from a sense of low self-esteem that results from an upward social comparison threatening a person's self image: another person has something that the envier considers to be important to have. If the other person is perceived to be similar to the envier, the aroused envy will be particularly intense, because it signals to the envier that it just as well could have been he or she who had the desired object.
Bertrand Russell said envy was one of the most potent causes of unhappiness.

“Envy is the art of counting the other fellow's blessings instead of your own.”


I am a beautiful and unique snowflake.

take care

nessuno me lo ha mai detto, o promesso. ma io la vivo così.

per me quasi sempre passare la notte con qualcuno è un reciproco scambio. voglio dire, non è un legame che uno ha con tutti. e io tra le altre cose ci vedo una specie di implicita promessa di rispetto, di prendersi cura dell'altro. lo so, non è vero. spesso un tale messaggio non è neanche implicato da una relazione, figurati da una o più notti trascorse insieme.

però qualche volta nella mia vita ha funzionato così. e mi piacerebbe pensare che questo vale in generale.

back

dear poet,

you who know me. tell me. tell me.

is it something about me? is it something i do wrong?

you moved on, but you still do not seem to have found the perfect solution. there is not perfect solution, probably.

what is that i have to learn? what is that i have to give up? do i attribute importance to what is actually not important at all? and maybe neglect the essential.

well, there is no way back.

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbyes
I nearly do

playing cold

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
You really broke my heart

And I tried to sing
But I couldn’t think of anything
And that was the hardest part

please

and I live on
this feeling
the greatest of all feelings
tellin' me not to grow cold

please help me get through
and let me in you

Schemtterlinge im Bauch

from http://www.herzsache.de/liebe/gefuehle/schmetterlinge-im-bauch.php

Having butterflies in one's stomach is a wonderful feeling that all those that once were truly in love know. The butterflies in one's stomach start to flutter even when one sees a person, that one finds wonderful and one wants to win for him/herself. If flirting ends up with getting to know each other, the flutter will happen even more, since one knows that there is interest also on the other side. Before each meeting, the butterflies are fluttering in the stomach because of joy. 

Having butterflies in the stomach means to be excited, and most people are excited when they are newly in love. Unfortunately, in someone's stomach butterflies do not flutter long, because when one realizes that the partner is not the right one, feelings are no longer present and the butterflies in the stomach are gone. There are relationships in which butterflies flutter for a long time in the stomach. It all depends on how the partners treat one another. 

For most people with time butterflies fall asleep in the stomach, the relationship becomes routine and there's nothing more exciting, that could make one have butterflies in his/her stomach. Such relations should be brought to life again. If both partners take the initiative and break away from the sofa, swing comes back into the relationship and butterflies flutter again.

arrivederci

Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say no

You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something's wrong
I pray to God that it won't be long
Do ya wanna go higher? 

There's nothing left to try
There's no place left to hide
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye

Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress

There's nothing left to lose
There's no more heart to bruise
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye

Learn to say good-bye
I yearn to say good-bye

Let us stay friends...

Always in relationships there are (at least) two possible sides. The still loving one and the one who chose to end the relationship.

And almost always there it comes the one million dollar question.

I used to think that I would have stayed friend and in contact with all the people who crossed my life, especially my ex-significant others...

But maybe it is not possible. Maybe it is not necessary. Maybe this time you don't want to. 

sexual revolution

everybody shake it
time to be free amongst yourselves
your mama told you to be discreet
and keep your freak to yourself
but your mama lied to you all this time
she knows as well as you and I
you've got to express what is taboo in you
and share your freak with the rest of us
cause it's a beautiful thang

this is my sexual revolution

everybody shake it
time to be free amongst yourselves
your mama told you to be discreet
and keep your freak to yourself
but your mama lied to you all this time
she knows as well as you and I
you've got to express what is taboo in you
and share your freak with the rest of us
cause it's a beautiful thang

this is my sexual revolution

everybody break it
every rule every constriction
my papa told me to be home by now
but my party has just begun
maybe he'll understand
that I got to be
to be the freak that god made me
so many thangz I want to try
got to do them before I die

this is my sexual revolution

I'm so funkin' beautiful
especially when I take my clothes off
I'm so funkin' beautiful
especially when I take my clothes off

sexual revolution

got to do them before I die
got to do them before I die

to play or not to play

David: [while playing pool] I guess there's limits to what money can buy. 
John: Not many. 
Diana: Well some things aren't for sale. 
John: Such as? 
Diana: Well you can't buy people. 
John: That's naive, Diana. I buy people every day. 
Diana: In business, maybe, but you can't buy people not when real emotions are involved. 
John: So you're saying you can't buy love? That's a bit of a cliché don't you think? 
Diana: It's absolutely true. 
John: Is it? What do you think? 
David: I agree with Diana. 
John: You do? Well let's test the cliché. Suppose... I were to offer you one million dollars for one night with your wife. 
David: I'd assume you're kidding. 
John: Let's pretend I'm not. What would you say? 
Diana: He'd tell you to go to hell. 
John: I didn't hear him. 
David: I'd tell you to go to hell. 
John: That's a reflex answer because you view the question as hypothetical. But let's say that there was real money backing it up. I'm not kidding. A million dollars. The night would come and go but the money could last a lifetime. Think of it. A million dollars. A lifetime of security... for one night. Don't answer right away. Just consider it; seriously? 
David: We're positive, okay? 
John: Well then you've proved your point. There are limits to what money can buy. It's late, and I hate to admit it, but I have meetings in the morning. May I have one dance? With your permission. 
David: You know something? I think you better hurry on to that meeting. You don't want to miss out on your next billion. 
John: Understood. I wouldn't part with her either. Good night. 

recipe for a rain day

It's raining. 
Unfortunately it's raining 
since this morning. 
He wants 
to grab my essence 
without appearing dishonest. 

It's raining. 
In these raindrops 
my doubts vanish away, 
I do not exist anymore. 
It's raining, 
but this is not the rain 
keeping me busy at night.

It's raining. 
Unfortunately it's raining 
since this morning. 

He wants 
to make a queen out of me. 
Am I worth it?

the eyes of love

I was walking in the night - I cannot sleep anymore - when I met a boy who was alone just like me. 

He had the face of a child, he had it all and do you know why? He had the eyes of love - green - like two love drops - big. I fell in love with him, he with me. 

We walked along the streets like two lost swallows. We experienced one thousand years in a two-hour time. When the morning came and woke us up, I kissed him without a word.

worth

I thought, I was at least worth a call or two lines in an e-mail.

I really feel used now. Was I just a toy?

I'll be sad

I passed through many different phases. Disappointment, anger, sadness. In this time in which we are not talking I would have liked to talk with you of my problems because your perspective was precious to me since you know me quite well. And then this silence is also one more sign of the fact that there was never a real balance.

I'll be sad. But starting from tomorrow.

And the memory of you is like a buzzing noise in the background, slightly perceptible however constant. 

listening and thinking

two songs made me think of you today, damn.

You dream maker, you hearthbreaker,
wherever you're going I'm going your way...

And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

End of a love story

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pl73BLKVWe8

you don't, alias "just little bits of history repeating"

Now I probably understand. I finally found a reason to forget you and to be angry with you.

You didn't love me. But I cannot blame you for that. It's not something that you can choose.

You didn't call me. You didn't write me. You didn't plan any future together. You didn't tell me the words I needed to hear in that moment. You didn't tell me that for you we had no future. You didn't buy me a gift for my birthday. You didn't surprise me by coming to the airport. You didn't tell me the truth.

I know why you didn't. You always told me that you're a lazy person. Your motto is just enjoying life. But relationships need effort. And you have the quality of surviving with the minimal effort. But the minimal effort often is not enough. And I'm not only talking about love relationships.

And now again you don't call. You don't write. I cannot write you don't care, because I know that would be wrong. But sometimes intentions have to be accompanied by actions. And that requires effort. Not just the minimal one.

Enjoy your new life, your new relationships, your Eastern friends. Maybe if you overcome the threshold of minimal effort you will also pass exams and find a job. 

But now I'm asking to you something. After many things you didn't do, please "don't do" one more thing. Don't make fun of me.

".. just little bits of history repeating"

illusion

I thought you cared me, I thought you would have called from time to time, I thought I was anyway important.

And I don't care your laziness and your appointments and your bad memory. It's you and me. And a relationship cannot go on just one side, that is actually why there is not you and me anymore.

But I thought that the telephone would have rung from time to time. That I could have found consolation in you in some of my dark moments. Because I have been there when you needed it.

...Illusion never changed into something real...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZuDufIxiQRI